by Samuel Collins Hicks
From the Desk of Brock Fakename
Douche, Douche, & Douche: Attorneys at Flaw
Dear Sam,
I represent your father, the right reverend Dr. [Redacted] PhD. I write to tell you that your father loves you, and is therefore suing you. You will find attached our forthcoming lawsuit.
Dr. [Redacted] PhD vs His Son Sam
Your Defamatory Conduct
[Redacted] Your father, Dr. [Redacted] PhD was recently given the honor of addressing the congregation of First United Church of Christ the King. Shortly after Dr. PhD’s sermon, you posted several defamatory statements in online forums. Those statements are as follows.
Exhibit A: Under the church’s Facebook post for Ash Wednesday services, you wrote: “Will the child abuser Dr. [Redacted] PhD be speaking this week?”
Exhibit B: Also on Facebook, you left this statement on the church’s public page:
“For 30 years, my father, Dr. [Redacted] PhD, abused me, my siblings, and our mother. Despite knowledge of that fact, Brother Pastor Preacher thinks it’s a good idea to let Dr. [Redacted] PhD speak from the pulpit. Would you feel comfortable worshiping in a church where at any moment, a child abuser could take the podium?”
Exhibit C: On Google you posted the following:
“Brother Pastor Preacher lets child abusers preach from the pulpit. Avoid at all costs. One star.”
Your Legal Liability to Your Father
The terrible injury you have inflicted upon your father exposes you to significant financial liabilities. It is our expectation that a court of law will compel you to remit punitive damages in excess of $100,000 for the emotional distress, pain and suffering, and damage to his reputation and goodwill resulting from your heinous actions.
Your Father’s Demands
To avoid being named a defendant in your father’s lawsuit, you must satisfy the following conditions immediately.
- You will delete all posts, reviews, and statements you have published on First United Church of Christ the King’s Facebook and Google pages. You will then publish the following statement:
“My previous posting on this forum was a lie when I made it and remains a lie today. I am a liar.”
- You will email the following statement to the leadership of First United Church of Christ the King:
“My father never abused my siblings, my mother, or me. While we may have our differences, it was wrong and inappropriate for me to make those false allegations to you and publish them on First United Church of Christ the King’s public online accounts. I am deeply sorry for my conduct and the resulting pain that I have caused you and your church.”
- You will make a $5,000 donation to the First United Church of Christ the King in Dr. [Redacted] PhD’s name. You will also reimburse your father for the significant legal fees he has incurred due to your defamatory behavior.
Your depiction of Dr. [Redacted] PhD as a “child abuser” is inaccurate, amoral, and tortious. We look forward to your prompt response.
Very Truly Yours, Brock Fakename
Dear Leena Goodlawyer,
Every year I dread the approach of February 11. Most folks enjoy birthdays, even if they don’t enjoy aging. But I spend the first few weeks of each new year waiting for my father to drop the axe.
Growing up, my father resented the fact that my birthday on the 11th was so close to his on the 13th. I remember asking him once why I couldn’t have a birthday party like other kids did. He
sat me down in the great room (yes, we had a “great room,” but it sucked) and asked me, “If I spend my money on a party for you, will you pay for my birthday party? Fair is fair.” I was 9.
As a rule my little sister and I do not speak on the phone, even on birthdays. This year when her name flashed across my iPhone screen, I knew she wasn’t calling to wish me well. The axe dropped, and it fell on her.
“What’d he do?” I asked without saying hello. “He’s here,” she whispered. “He’s at church.”
My sister ended consensual contact with our father more than 15 years ago, but in that time he has never stopped stalking her, showing up at her home and her husband’s place of business, sometimes bearing unwanted gifts, sometimes with belligerent demands, never invited, and always unanswered. In recent years he has taken to sending envoys in his place while he waits by the phone, hoping for a response to his latest provocation. After years of ignoring clear boundaries, he has lost his last shred of good sense and is now stalking my sister at her church.
My sister joined First United Church of Christ the King over 20 years ago when she was a teenager. She was baptized in their waters, confirmed at their altar, taught in their preschool, and even trusted the church with her own children when she enrolled them in that same preschool.
First United Church of Christ the King was, for decades, a safe space for my sister and then for her young family. But now our father was there.
Dr. PhD wasn’t just attending services, he was behind the pulpit. Preaching about family. Our family. Us. Me. He mentioned me by name, said I was a “broken” soul, that I was in need of forgiveness that only he could offer, and that he had faith God would someday return me and my siblings to him. Only then would we be healed.
Leena, I am not broken. Unlike my father, who uses spirituality to condemn and judge, I pray daily to leave the wrongs he left on me in the past so that I might not repeat them in the present. It may not seem like much to you, but being publicly called “broken” by the man who pushed me off the shelf – this was an unendurable provocation. What I wrote online is entirely true, but in my anger, I left myself open to my father’s litigiousness.
Dr. PhD is no stranger to the courtroom and is quite comfortable using money to get what he wants. I am terrified. In the past, he has sued building contractors, business partners, former employers, former employees, and now family members. These suits are always costly to the defendant and I can confidently say his demands are intended as a threat. The $100,000 dollar lawsuit is designed to send me into a mental illness spiral that could end with my death. Even his
more “reasonable” demands are designed to leave lasting damage. He knows I have no money, and that paying his legal fees on top of a $5,000 dollar donation to the church would require me to take out loans and sell my few possessions, just to get him to go away.
My siblings and I did as you asked and have attached our potential testimony, a detailed list of some of our father’s most memorable acts. I’m ashamed to say it took me decades to recognize my father’s behavior was abuse, and I refuse to return to the ignorance and apathy which allowed him to visit that same abuse on others. Television and movies make it seem like physical abuse is only when they use a belt, and sexual abuse requires an exchange of fluids. With what I know now I feel a responsibility not to seek damages from my father but to spread knowledge about what abuse truly is.
Please let me know how you would like to proceed. Thanks for all you do,
Samuel Collins Hicks
From the Desk of Leena Goodlawyer Goodlawyer & Goodpeople, LLP
Attention Brock Fakename;
Samuel Collins Hicks has asked me to represent him in this matter should your client choose to actually take this motion to trial. In the meantime, I speak with Samuel’s voice. Below see our reply to your demand letter.
Response to Your Suit
Whereas Samuel’s father, Dr. [Redacted] PhD, earned one advanced degree in the previous millennium yet insists on signing personal correspondence, birthday cards, and grocery lists with both “Dr.” and “PhD”;
Whereas Dr. PhD spent 30 years physically, emotionally, spiritually, financially, and sexually abusing Samuel, his brother, his sister, and their mother;
Whereas Dr. PhD, a defrocked evangelical minister, spent decades stalking his daughter, successfully insinuating himself into a leadership position at his daughter’s church, First United Church of Christ the King (FUCCK);
Whereas Samuel and his sister spoke privately with Brother Pastor Preacher, senior global minister of FUCCK, to express their concerns;
Whereas Brother Pastor Preacher refused any responsibility to protect his congregation, saying instead it was Samuel’s responsibility to forgive his abuser;
Whereas Samuel emailed and called the Bishop’s office dozens of times to complain through proper channels about Brother Pastor Preacher and Dr. PhD, and received no response;
Whereas Brother Pastor Preacher invited Dr. PhD to deliver a sermon to FUCCK about family;
Whereas Dr. PhD stood behind the pulpit of FUCCK on Sunday February 11th, Samuel’s 37th birthday, and in front of God, YouTube, and Facebook Live referred to Samuel by name, calling him “broken”, and offering to forgive Samuel’s “many” sins;
Whereas Dr. PhD is threatening to sue his son for the not at all suicide-inducing amount of
$100,000;
Whereas, oof, sorry Brock. I really hit a wall sometimes after lunch. Let’s keep things simple and see if we can’t hurry this along. I’ve got serious work to do. Perhaps you feel the same?
As I assured Samuel (and, as you oughta know), “defamation” is only actionable if the statements are not true. In fact, truth is a complete defense in defamation cases, which makes your lawsuit a transparent abuse of civil proceedings by attempting to silence an abusive father’s victim.
We’ve already used the word a lot (twice in the last sentence!) so let’s study some definitions of “abuse.” I found these online:
- To use wrongly or improperly; misuse.
- To hurt or injure by maltreatment.
- Language that condemns or vilifies usually unjustly, intemperately, and angrily.
“Child” is an easy one; Sam is Dr. PhD’s offspring, and was under the age of 18 when he endured Dr. PhD’s abuse. Put ‘em together and what do you get? Child abuse. I Googled you some more definitions, in case you got confused:
- Child abuse is physical, sexual, emotional and/or psychological maltreatment or neglect of a child, especially by a parent or a caregiver.
- Child abuse occurs when a child experiences harm or neglect. Child abuse can come in many forms, including:
7 Physical abuse: Striking, slapping, pushing, punching, or pinching a child or not allowing a child to eat, drink, or use the bathroom;
7 Emotional abuse: Frequently verbal, involving insults, constant criticism, harsh demands, threats, and yelling.
- Child abuse takes many forms, which often occur at the same time. Any intentional harm or mistreatment to a child under 18 years old is considered child abuse.
Now that we’ve been reminded what words mean, let’s get to what you came for. The following is a short selection of my client’s potential sworn testimony regarding Dr. PhD’s abusive actions, to wit;
- Telling Samuel repeatedly, in public and private, that he was going to Hell;
- Punching Samuel in the face to wake him up while he was sleeping in bed, for the crime of using AOL Instant Messenger in the year of our lord 2003;
- Punching Samuel in the chest, causing him to fall backwards onto a staircase, for the crime of mispronouncing the word “saga”;
- Reading Samuel’s diary entries about masturbation aloud at the family dinner table;
- Punishing Samuel by withholding water and bathroom access;
- Calling Samuel an “animal,” “degenerate,” and “pervert”;
- Repeatedly forcing locked bathroom doors open to gain entry while teenage Samuel was showering;
- Threatening to have Samuel “neutered”;
- Referring to Samuel’s friends as “queers,” his mind as “weak,” his grades as “idiotic,” his heart as “amoral,” and his soul as “damned”;
- Refusing to send Samuel to therapy for his depression and suicidal thoughts, even after Samuel dropped to his knees and begged, saying, “I don’t want to die.”
As I said, this is not a complete list. You’ll no doubt notice we didn’t mention either of Sam’s siblings or his mother. If Dr. PhD, a God-fearing Bible-thumper, treated his firstborn son this way, how do you think he treated his daughter? How do you think he treated his wife?
To state it plainly: Brock, your client is a child abuser. Way to go, Brock. Peace be with you, Brock.
Very truly yours, Leena
Dear Leena,
[Redacted] You have been misinformed about my client. As a man of the cloth it is morally impossible for Dr. [Redacted] PhD to do anything wrong. Further, as a certified psychologist, Dr. PhD has exact control over his emotions and behavior, and has never once lost his temper or lashed out violently. Finally, Dr. [Redacted] PhD insists he is very wealthy, and as officers of the court you and I both know that it is entirely inappropriate to expect wealthy men to face consequences in this country.
In my professional opinion, responding to your spurious allegations individually would be an enormous waste of time, but Dr. [Redacted] PhD insists, and the customer is always right, so here I go:
- Dr.
- Dr.
- Dr.
- Dr.
PhD has never told anyone they are going to Hell. This is a lie. PhD has never punched anyone. This is a lie.
[Redacted] PhD has never punched anyone. This is a lie, too.
PhD falls asleep whenever he tries to read anything longer than
a fortune cookie. This is a lie.
- [Redacted] You seem to be describing the common practice of “time out.” Dr. PhD doesn’t see the problem, and neither do I.
- Dr. [Redacted] PhD has no recollection of this, but does remember finding a Victoria’s Secret catalog hidden in Sam’s room when he was 17.
- [Redacted] Dr. [Redacted] PhD has no recollection of this, but has always been a proponent of water conservation.
- Dr. [Redacted] PhD has no recollection of this, but deeply values chastity.
- Dr. [Redacted] PhD has no recollection of this, but has always had high expectations for his son.
- In addition to being an evangelical minister Dr. [Redacted] PhD is a psychologist. Therefore, none of his children could possibly need psychiatric intervention. This is a lie.
[Redacted] Even though recent events have hurt Dr. [Redacted] PhD very much, he maintains a heart-felt desire to reconcile with his son. Dr. [Redacted] PhD invites Sam to reach out, so that they can work through their issues by attending joint counseling or therapy together.
Very Truly Yours, Brock
Dear Brock,
Not at all surprised to hear Dr. PhD denies Samuel’s memories. There’s not a shred of a reasonable doubt in my mind that in his head Dr. PhD has never done anything in his life worthy of the label “abuse.” Unfortunately, he is incorrect.
Frankly, if he had ever shown he was willing to do a bit of soul searching, to see within himself the behaviors and attitudes that drove his children away in the first place, Dr. PhD might not be in this situation. It’s true that Dr. PhD did on occasion satisfy the basic loving actions that make a father a dad. But it is also true that his desperate need for control of others was founded in his inability to control himself. If, years ago, Dr. PhD could’ve said “I’m sorry. I overreacted. I was wrong. That was inappropriate. I shouldn’t have done that,” or taken the smallest slice of responsibility for his actions, I imagine his holidays would be a lot more cheerful.
Does Dr. PhD not hear the dissonance between denying Samuel’s memories and wanting to reconnect with Samuel in therapy? How does Dr. PhD balance his “heart-felt desire to reconcile with his son” against the fact that he is trying to use a court of law to ruin that son’s life? Dr.
PhD, time and time again, doubles down, digs in, and, in our legal opinion, can buzz off.
Very truly yours, Leena Goodlawyer
Dear Leena,
Since it is clear your client intends to continue maligning Dr. [Redacted] PhD, we demand that Sam sign the attached non-disclosure agreement immediately.
Very Truly Yours, Brock
Non-Disclosure Agreement
[Redacted] This NON-DISCLOSURE AGREEMENT is made and entered into by the Parties Dr.
PhD and his son Sam.
NOW THEREFORE the Parties agree as follows:
- Sam will immediately cease and desist from ever publishing statements on the internet, in print, or on bathroom stalls, containing any mentions whatsoever of his father, Dr. [Redacted] PhD.
- Further statements regarding Dr. [Redacted] PhD will cause Sam to be fined
$10,000 per instance.
- This Agreement is confidential. Its contents and existence may not be revealed or disclosed to any persons, entities, or other organizations. Should anyone ask Sam a direct question about his father, Sam is required to shrug, make a confused face, and say “Who?”
IN WITNESS WHEREOF, the Parties have set forth their signatures and seals. The Right Reverend and Holy Dr [Redacted] PhD
Sam, the unstable loser:
Dear Brock,
Thank you for sending that non-disclosure agreement. We all got a big kick out of it!
How about this, Samuel promises to keep not telling lies about his father. Can Dr. PhD make the same promise about his son?
Brock, you and I have only exchanged a handful of letters, but you and Dr. PhD have successfully stretched this process out to nearly two months now. In the interest of wrapping things up, Sam has offered to delete the social media posts. He is also willing to email the following statement to the leadership committee of FUCCK:
“I am legally obligated to be sorry for the pain my posts caused your church.”
As far as donations and legal fees go, your client can shit in one hand and wish in the other, legally speaking. This offer expires at the end of the week. Samuel wants nothing more than for Dr. PhD to leave him alone. If you’re gonna sue us, now’s the time. Want to avoid a courtroom parade of witnesses testifying to Dr. PhD’s abusive behavior? This is your last shot.
Very Truly Yours, Leena
Leena,
[Redacted] On behalf of Dr. [Redacted] PhD I accept Sam’s offer to delete the posts and send the above statement to the leaders of First United Church of Christ the King. Dr.
[Redacted] PhD also gladly accepts Sam’s heartfelt apology and his binding promise to never ever repeat his behavior. While he retains the right to be extremely disappointed in his son, Dr. [Redacted] PhD forgives Sam, and is dropping the lawsuit. However, Dr. [Redacted] PhD wants to make it clear that his love of Sam is so strong that should Sam ever disobey the first half of the fourth commandment again, Dr.
PhD will do his best to have Sam put in jail.
Thanks,
Brock
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